Dwayne's Journey

2005-08-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dwayne Kevin Harms
July 27, 1967 to August 16, 2005

The passing of Pastor Dwayne Kevin Harms, age 38 years of Saskatoon, SK, occurred on Tuesday, August 16, 2005. He was born in Killarney, MB. He began his relationship with Jesus Christ at the age of 8, and was baptized at age 12. He married Janet, the love of his life, in 1989. They were blessed with two children, Ashlynn and Tyler. Dwayne passionately pursued his love of Jesus Christ, and enthusiastically shared it with others. Dwayne was a pastor for 12 years, and absolutely loved his ministry and his church family. During Dwayne's brief battle with cancer, his faith remained strong. To read his journal, visit www.livinghopechurch.ca . He is survived by his wife Janet; daughter, Ashlynn; and son, Tyler; his parents, Dan and Helen Harms; sister, Shauna (Andrew) Wiebe; brother, Karsten (Jacklyn) Harms; grandparents, Agatha Harms, and Abe and Susan Bergen; father-in-law, George Wiebe; sister-in-law, Carol (Wes) Schellenberg; and five nieces and nephews. He was predeceased by his sister, Kristal; grandfather, Walter Harms; and mother-in-law, Erica Wiebe. A public visitation will be held on Thursday, August 18, 2005 at 7:30 p.m. from the Acadia Drive Funeral Chapel (915 Acadia Dr.). Interment at Hillcrest Memorial Gardens at 12:00 p.m. on Friday, August 19, 2005 with a Celebration of Life Service to follow at 2:00 p.m. at the Forest Grove Community Church (502 Webster Street, Saskatoon). In lieu of flowers donations can be made to the Dwayne Harms Memorial Fund for his children; (Scotia Bank, Lawson Heights Mall, Saskatoon) and to Living Hope Church building fund (102 Goerzen St, Saskatoon, S7K 7E3). Arrangements have been entrusted to Terry G. Michayliuk, ACADIA DRIVE FUNERAL CHAPEL, 955-1600.

2005-08-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Service Time

Following the interment a Celebration of Life service will be held at 2:00 pm on Friday, August 19 at Forest Grove Community Church in Saskatoon.

2005-08-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

Journey's End

This morning at around 7:30am Dwayne's journey here on earth ended and he began his face to face journey with his Saviour, Lord and Friend, Jesus Christ. God has accomplished His purposes for Dwayne here on earth, but I believe that his influence will continue on for many years. Dwayne was truly a unique and gifted man who was passionate about his family, his ministry and most importantly his relationship with Jesus. He walked faithfully, served lovingly, and finished victoriously.

Whether you knew Dwayne personally, or got to know him through this blog, I know that many of you have been impacted by his words and actions. As part of Dwayne's legacy to his children and me, I plan to print out "Dwayne's Journey" in it's entirety, including the comments. If you have any memories of Dwayne, or if his journal made a change in your life, please feel free to comment. We are so blessed by the love and care sent our way.

Details of Dwayne's Celebration of Life service will be posted here shortly, as will his obituary.

On behalf of Dwayne, this is Janet, signing off.

To God Be The Glory!

2005-08-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

Bitter Sweet

Thursday and Friday were difficult days. Dwayne's medication combination was causing great agitation and anxiety for his body and emotions. He was not lucid and so conversation was minimal. On Thursday afternoon he asked for the elders to come and pray and anoint him with oil for healing. Amazingly within minutes several of our church leaders showed up at his room, all without a single phone call. We prayed in faith. God promises that all things work together for good...but it is the last part of the verse that is really important, and sometimes we miss that part. "For those who are called according to His purpose". God will fulfill His purposes, but not necessarily according to our requests.

Dwayne was not miraculously healed. Today, however, the doctors were able to change his meds and his mind was clear. He had very significant conversations with each of our children. Ashlynn is leaving for camp tomorrow, as per our joint decision, and so he said goodbye to her. Dwayne and I had some very beautiful moments together as well. We talked about his service, and what some of his wishes are. We tell each other often that we love each other.

Thank you again for your prayers. God is still able to heal...but we also want to finish well.

2005-08-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

A Bit of Encouragement

Last night Dwayne had a better rest and we were all so thankful for that. As a result he had a bit of a better day today. Today they removed his epidural, and so now we're on to new pain meds. Tonight Dwayne was able to drink a bit more liquids, and was also able to lie on his side comfortably for the first time since surgery. It was good to see him improve a bit. Very slow progress, but progress nonetheless. His meds make him confused at times, but today I printed off the blog responses of the past several days and we spent the evening reading them intermittantly. Beautiful words of encouragement, so needed during these days. "Thank you" will never be enough. Thanks for the prayers as well. We are blessed by them.

By the way, Tyler is back at home. This year it was just too tough to be away.

2005-08-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

Please Pray

We are experiencing a very difficult day today. Dwayne did not sleep well last night and today his spirits are very low. He is struggling to see any hope. He says that this is not "humanly possible". I agree, but with God all things are possible. He is simply so worn down. Please pray that there will be a break-thru in his health. I spend so much of the bedside hours in prayer. We are all fighting discouragement.

2005-08-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

"He's Still Able"

That was the title of our sermon in church today. Our speaker said that when you're clinging on to the edge of the impossible, God is still able. He will accomplish His purposes. Such encouraging words, as I feel like we've been on that edge for weeks now. Dwayne has a bit of infection post surgery, so he is now on antibiotics. He did keep some juiced veggies and a bit of broth down with some effort today.

Our 9 year old son Tyler reluctantly left for Bible camp today. He is worried about his Dad. So much burden for such a young child. My heart aches for my children. I'm so thankful for all of your prayers. God is still able.

2005-08-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

Yet Will I Praise Him

Another difficult day has passed and God has proved Himself faithful, but still some moments can be very hard. My Mom's service was both honouring to my Mom and glorifying to God. That is what we hoped would happen. Please pray for my Dad as he adjusts to life without his partner.

Dwayne is slowly recovering from his surgery, but much improvement is still needed. He is not yet able to eat solid food, and struggles with nausea. There is a lot of fluid in his abdomen which is coming from his liver, and that also makes him feel ill. The road ahead of us seems so long. At times his spirits are good, but he also struggles with discouragement. I too have asked God,"How long, Lord?" Please pray that God will answer quickly. We so earnestly desire complete healing.

2005-08-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

Sufficient Grace

God is so amazing! That "peace that passes all understanding" was so evident today as Dwayne, his parent, and I walked thru the day. Some friends and family met early in the morning to pray at the hospital. Dwayne's was wheeled away just after 9 AM. At around 12:30 the surgeon appeared and informed us that surgery was over and things had gone well. The tumor was sent to pathology for testing and those results will be revealed in a weeks time.

During the hours while we waited I can honestly say that I felt an uncommon quiet and peace inside that I know came from my heavenly Father. It was so good to be surrounded by friends and family, especially those who came to pray outside the hospital. I truly believe that God was glorified in what happened today. We really see God's hand guiding and shaping circumstances so that the surgery would occur.

Now the path to recovery from surgery begins. Please pray that this will be swift, that we will not be impatient, and that our witness will be strong amidst all.

2005-08-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

Prayer Opportunites

August 3rd will be spent with single-minded focus as we petition God for healing for Dwayne. If you are looking for an opportunity to pray with others, feel free to join a group of believers and friends who will be meeting on the patio just to the side of the main doors of Saskatoon City Hospital. This will begin at 6:30 AM and continue on throughout the morning or the day.

My (Janet's) family and I spent the afternoon today planning the celebration of the life of Erica Wiebe. Once again God's grace was sufficient for our needs. The service will be held on Saturday. God's Word tells us that when we are weak, then God's strength is revealed thru us. May God show Himself powerful in these next few days.

2005-08-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Eternal Glory

Less than 24 hours remain before Dwayne is scheduled to be in surgery. The past few days have been long ones, and we spend much time in prayer. God says that our troubles here are but momentary and light when compared with the weight of eternal glory. Please continue to pray for us, and if God impresses on you the need to fast and pray, please consider how you might be obedient in that as well.

Yesterday my (Janet's) mom slipped away peacefully from her momentary troubles here on earth into her eternal glory with her Savior, Lord and Friend, Jesus Christ. Please also pray for our family as we plan her service and remember her legacy and give glory to God for her.

2005-07-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Quick Update

One week has past since Dwayne was admitted into the hospital. A week of pain and unanswered questions, yet at times peace and hope despite circumstances. Each day has brought a bit of improvement in Dwayne's energy levels and ability to eat, although he still is very limited in what he can do and how much he can ingest. His limbs and abdomen are quite swollen, and that seems to be getting worse each day.

I am facing Wednesday's surgery with apprehension and yet hope. From all accounts it seems it is a very difficult procedure which is tough to recover from. At the same time we believe that this may be one of the things God uses to heal Dwayne. Hopefully some of his worst symptoms will be alleviated by this surgery.

Dwayne and I are so thankful for all of the prayers to God on our behalf. We know that God is hearing and answering them. Please continue to petition God for Dwayne's healing. Please pray also that we will glorify Him in everything we do.

2005-07-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

What Multiplies Awe - The Unfathomable Love of God

Here I am in the hospital. I guess somehow I knew that it could get to this, but it sure has been a painful path to get here. Over the past couple of days I have experienced more pain than I have known was possible. The kind of journey you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Yet through it all, God has done something in my mind and heart that simply must come out here. The story has shaped my very core thoughts on God and must be told.

C.S. Lewis says something about pain being God's megaphone. I'd have to "amen" that. God has certainly been speaking to me. Sometimes in silence. Sometimes in a still small voice. Sometimes in that megaphone. This week I've heard them all.

And what did He say? What one thing could God say in 3 different voices - so different, so opposite?

He said, "I LOVE YOU!" And it blew me away!

Let me explain. I've been reading the book of Ruth - over and over and over again. I can't seem to get over it!

It's the story of the most beautiful woman you may ever meet in the Bible. She radiates beauty in so many actions and words and attitudes that it makes your jaw fall open. Beauty that goes so deep it stirs deeply. God put that there and He shows it through as you read the text. Hardship after hardship makes her beauty shine deeper and deeper, til you think she's some kind of unnatural superhero character. She has the capacity to love unselfishly and wonderfully
so that you realize that God shaped and formed this love in her. How? Through the same 3 voices. Silence, still small and through the megaphone.

When God shows you how desperately He loves you throught the darkness, He blows you away. It gives you such a sense of awe that you can't but fall at His feet in adoration.

Psalm 107:43
Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.

Today is my birthday. 38 years old. Not a special number or anything. But to be surrounded by such supportive family and friends makes my life so blessed.

Today I am facing the most difficult physical challenge in my life. The odds of my survival are so small - medically and physically. But my faith in a God who speaks to my life in such powerful and wonderful ways.... Well... It fills me with awe!

On a prayer note:
I am calling out urgently for anyone and everyone who will pray for me.On Wednesday, August 3, I am scheduled to have my left kidney taken out and the large tumor

2005-07-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

Ups and Downs, and Lots of Prayer

Well, this might be DH Journey, but it's JH you're getting once again. I did want to give an update to the blog to let you know the latest. Dwayne is still in hospital and likely will be for quite a while. Last night we asked our care group and friends to pray that Dwayne's doctors would agree to doing surgery to remove his diseased kidney. We have felt all along that that is what should be done, but have had no success is convincing doctors of that. (And for those of you that know me, you know that I can be fairly persuasive!) Yesterday we had a glimmer of hope as a new oncologist finally said that he thought surgery was a good choice. We were praising God, but had our bubble burst when the surgeon, who we understood was the man who would make the final decision, talked to Dwayne and simply refused to consider surgery. I went to bed rather discouraged and battled paralizing fear all night long as I prayed and prayed and listened to my heart pounding in my ears. In the morning I checked my email and read a verse sent by a friend. It's part of Psalm 142 taken from the Message. "I cry out, God, call out: 'You're my last chance, my only hope for life!' Oh listen, please listen; I've never been this low." That verse voiced my thoughts and emotions. I decided to phone the hospital to check on Dwayne and to my delight found out that he had had an amazing night. Slept well, ate breakfast, the whole bit! So off to the hospital to rejoice with him, but when I got there I heard bad news. A setback. Another terrible attack of pain, so bad by the time he was found that he couldn't even tell people what was wrong, and so help was further delayed for him. Finally some strong meds were dispensed and now he was hallucinating and restless, but the pain had subsided. And my fear was back. I sat with Dwayne and held his hand and thought of the Dr. Seuss story of the king who feels that he needs someone to hold his tail for him, who then in turn needs another person to hold his tail for him, and so on down the line. I wanted someone to be there to hold my hand too. Thankfully Dwayne's sister arrived and that helped me cope. And then a new but dear friend arrived and prayed with us and suddenly the fear began to fade and God's peace was again felt in my heart.
About mid afternoon the urologist showed up. I was armed and ready with all my arguments as to why we wanted the surgery, but they weren't needed. "We're prepared to go ahead with the operation," he said. Dwayne, his sister, and I waited until he was just out of the room before we whooped and hollered (using our indoor voices, of course!), and threw our hands into the air in praise to God. A prayer answered! It's a major surgery and difficult to recover from, but it offers a bit of hope.
The rest of the afternoon showed steady progress. Dwayne was able to eat supper, slowly but surely, and didn't have another pain episode. The evening was spent with friends and family drifting in and out of the room. So much care. So much love. So much prayer.
And so tomorrow is another day. Each day now I'm learning to wake up and, before I even get up out of bed, thank God for the day and say to Him, "I surrender my day to You, God. What are we going to do together today?" Today that was a hard prayer to pray. I suspect tomorrow that might be a bit easier.

2005-07-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

A Very Frightening Day

Before I begin, I need to tell you that this is not a posting from Dwayne. I am the person previously referred to as "my wife". My name is Janet. Dwayne is in the hospital as I type this. On our way back from family camp we stopped to enjoy the afternoon with some church friends when Dwayne suddenly experienced very severe abdominal pain. We drove him to Big River where the decision was made to send him by ambulance to P.A., and then on to Saskatoon. The doctors think that the tumor is causing some fluid build-up in his abdomen. They are going to reevaluate on Monday.
During our trip we had several "God appointments", as I was given the priveledge of sharing my faith with the ambulance attendant. The nurse in Big River was a Christian as was the nurse in P.A. They both encouraged us to trust in God. God has been faithful to us during this time, but this is not to say that we are without fear and sadness. I have had some very precious verses flowing through my mind, and I remind myself again that although this event took us by surprise, God was not taken unawares. We are so thankful for all the prayers on our behalf.

2005-07-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

Creating Awe in my Life: God is a Wild Man

There are some people "in there" that scare me. When I get in that place, I'm freaked. Ever been there? A place you don't want to be. Not home. Not a safe place. In fact, a dangerous place.

Like walking into a big full warehouse where you know there are some really big dogs somewhere in there. And they guard the place. But you can't see them right now. You might meet them. Might not. But you're scared. And you don't know what's around the next corner. Why are you here?

Like going on an African safari. It's a great adventure. You might meet some really exciting sights and so you bring your camera and have it around your neck. What a exciting place. You drive around in your vehicle and look for the monkeys and the giraffes. They would be great to see. But wait. Here come a pack of lions. And they look like they've just made a kill. There's blood around their mouths and they look much more dangerous than on the TV. From the safety of your vehicle you already feel much too close. And you realize that your window is open. They're looking at you. Blood-soaked hungry lions. Great view, but I think it's time to close the window.

You travel on and the vehicle begins to break down. Now that's bad. Really bad. Because now you have to exit the safety of the vehicle. If you ever felt scared... it' now. It's one thing to do the safari from the Jeep, it's another to walk it.

In the book of Judges there are some really wild men. They are so unbelievably dangerous they scare me. They kill people in the power of God and in His Spirit! Kill them! Called by God to wipe out entire villages and armies and anyone that comes across their path in the wrong way. These men are used by God! Jephthah and Samson! Wow, these guys blow their top and are filled with the Spirit of God to do massive damage!

All my life I thought of the sort of gentle and kind side of God and the people that He uses for His purposes. And I was right in doing so. But God also used wild men. In fact, He is a wild man! Dangerous! Deadly! He kills people.

I love the description of Aslan by the beavers to the children in the story of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. "Is he safe? O, no!" "But he is good."

I've been thinking about how to create a healthy sense of awe of God in my life. There are several things that create awe. Fear of the Lord creates a sense of awe. Awe leads to worship.
We pay homage to the things that we fear. And I need a real "fear of God". Here in the book of Judges I find it. Here's the place I was talking about - the place of scary people. Here I find that God is dangerous. He is not safe! I should be scared in a sense. Yet, He is good!

Here at Family Camp we have a worship time every day. It's easy to get "used to" it. It can get "normal". And I'd absolutely hate it if that happened to me. Now I fall to my knees. Now my adrenaline pumps! Let the sweat form on my brow as I worship! Let me NEVER be bored in the presence of the Almighty! Let me fear the Lord!

2005-07-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Creating Awe and Wonder

I was reading about the Isrealites in my Bible in the book of Judges today. When a rag-tag group of desert dwellers is transformed into a Canaan-conquering army, you get a little surprised. These are not fighting people. These are just simple survivers. And not really that adept survivors either. It's not like they are hardened people. God's been providing food for them - manna and water. So don't go giving them that much credit. As far as fighting goes, they mostly do it amongst themselves in quarreling and grumbling. What do they know about warfare and swords and battling tactics? Nothing. Somehow God gets them through it and they conquer most of the land. Pretty impressive. But not for the people. For God.

Now they have the land and they get the cities and the vineyards and the farms and the good stuff handed to them. Pretty cushy again. So what do they do? They stop following God! They choose to worship some stupid idol worship. What's God to do? Here He's watched over them. Here He's taken them to this place of great blessing. Here He's done everything to set them up for great joy and great worship for Him. And they abandon Him and His laws! What a frustration!

So God hands them over to be attacked and overrun by the Midianites. And I mean attacked! Midianites everywhere! Mean ones. Brutal ones! In fact, the Israelites are driven from their homes and towns and forced to run to the hills and hide in caves. Their crops are ruined. Their livestock is stolen. They're starving in caves and hiding out for their lives. Is that what it takes to get their attention? Sometimes it is. Sad isn't it? That God has to take people to such extremes just to get them to examine their lives? What's going on here?

Then I think about my cancer and what God has had to put me through just to get my attention. Just to get me to wake up and think about my life. It's sad that I had to go through all of this just to get me to focus my life and wake up to the reality of Him.

I made a spiritual commitment today that released me from my fears. It took all of this just to get me there. But I finally made it. I gave up my life. I had been needing to say to God, "I'll give you my life" for a long time. But I couldn't do it. I was clinging to that last thing. I could face a number of challenges that might be put in front of me, as long as I didn't have to give up my life. As long as I would be healed. But now I sensed God calling me to trust Him with everything. My life. And now that I have, the fear has nothing to hang onto. What can you fear when you are ready to give up your life?

Well, that's just half the story, let me tell you the other half.

Gideon is a sneaky little guy. He the youngest in the family but even he can be of some use. He comes up with a way to mill flour in a old forgotten winepress. It's not perfect, but it works well enough to not get caught and to get some food for the family. You have to be sneaky with Midianites around ready to wipe you out. And they are everywhere. So you have be really quiet about the whole thing too.

All of a sudden a man appears and says, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior!" What? Who's this? And would you please keep your voice down so that no one finds us here? But it's the Lord in disguise and He's calling Gideon to save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. He's even got a "plan" for Gideon. "Go in the strength that you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?"

This is a "plan"? This is nothing! This is the sending of a sneaky unknown guy against an oppressive nation. Absurd to say the least! What is Gideon, hiding out in a winepress, just trying to survive supposed to do? He's no leader. He's a nobody. He's got no army. He's got nothing but a little flour on his hands. And a very surprised and scared look on his face.

But what do you know, amazing things can happen when people are obedient to God! Something happens that I never expected. Gideon sends the word out and Isrealite people start coming out of the woodwork. A gathering of fighting men begin to gather around Gideon. They are ready to beat back the Midianite oppression. They're willing to fight. And they come to fight. Lots of them. 22,000. Now that's an army! Let's go!

Unfortunately, the Midianites catch word of this and they start to form their army too. Not to be outmatched, they form an army under Zebah and Zalmunna of 120,000 swordsmen. I don't know if you can picture that. I can't really, but it sounds bad. These are trained and experienced fighting men. These are the kind you don't want to mess with. They know how to use their swords.

So what to do now. Do you attack with a much smaller army? Sounds pretty stupid to try.

God speaks to Gideon at this point. "We have a problem here. You have too many men." What? Too many? You mean too few. "No, too many." And God pares Gideon's army down from 22,000 to 300. "That's perfect," says God.

And with 300 men Gideon attacks the 120,000 men of the Midianite army. Supernaturally, they win and wipe out the entire army!

Now here's my question. Why would God take for a leader a nobody schmuck like Gideon? Why would God reduce the army of Gideon from 22,000 to 300? Why would God constantly increase the odds against Himself in such unbelievable ways?

So that everyone knows it was a supernatural God-thing! How completely unbelievable! Who's going to get the glory here? Gideon? The 300? No way! You have to know that it was completely a God thing! You have to! There's absolutely no other way to explain it! And that creates such a sense of awe and wonder that it blows you away! You're awe-struck.

Awestruck is where God wants us! Awestruck is where we need to be if we want to worship. You can't worship without some sense of awe. You can't be a follower of God without some sense of awe.

But we lose it in the ordinaryness of life. The day to day dulldrums. The ho-hum of our existance. And then how do we worship in an extraordinary fashion? How do we give the glory to God in our lives? We want to live in awe and wonder, but we find it slips through our fingers like sand. So we need to go back to the stories of God! We need to go back to the wonders He has done. And once again remember them and once again relive them and once again be reminded that God does amazing things through ordinary people for His glory.

O God, let me worship you with awe and wonder for the mighty things you do! Let me glory in Your strength! Let me brag about Your greatness! Let me boast in the greatness of You! Let my mouth hang open and my hands fall to my side. This is where worship begins!

2005-07-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Places of Retreat and Rest

I am a world-class daydreamer! At least that's what my former school teachers always thought about me when I was a boy in school. It came on some of my report cards. It came as comments from the teacher. It was at any moment in the day that I could let my mind wander off into a far far away land. Maybe it was what made me a reader of great novels. But it's so easy in the middle of math class to be off in the jungles with Tarzan. Or journeying to the center of the earth with Jules Verne. Or to be caught up with some dragon and princess in the middle of a classic fairy tale when you should be cleaning your room.

When the pressure and the stress of everyday life starts to get to you. You look for a place of retreat. I have done this all my life. Personally, I think that everyone does it. I just think that I do it more. It's a weakness, I know. And as an adult I still do it. Escape.

Now I do it daily. But I'm more disciplined about including God with me in my mind. It used to be my dialy run. A time of conversation with God. Usually right after a time of Bible reading and prayer, I would run the Meewasin and allow my mind to wander and meander and chat with my Creator about all the things that ran through it. What a phenomenal time of stress relief! But now things are different. Now it's more like a walk or a simple bike ride (or one of my many naps).

This week is an incredible gift to my family! We're away at a family camp! A place of retreat and rest. A place to get away. A place to recharge and rebuild. And as we do so, we are ready to face challenges that lie ahead. God, thank you for the gift! What great compassion He has shown to me. Dear God, walk with me. Talk with me. May may retreat be a retreat with You.

2005-07-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

We're all Dying of Cancer

The cells that make up our bodies are generally healthy cells. Good hearty cells. The kind of cells that make a body proud. Robust and strong. They all have a job to do. The red blood cells deliver the oxygen to the muscle cells and the muscle cells retract and contract to give us the strength and mobility that we need. Strong cells make up bones and organs and each do their job wonderfully. Indeed, the inside workings of our bodies should set us with such a sense of awe and wonder that when we stop to think about it, we burst into an awe-struck praise to our Maker and Creator for the wonderful job that He did in assembling such a complex system to work so well for us.

But there's a dark side to this as well. Abnormal cells. That's right. Not every cell in our body is cooperating right now. Some cells start to grow right and then they deform and develop unhealthy. They form an ugly cancer-growth and begin to multiply themselves in an agressive and dangerous way. In fact, I understand that there is some abnormally cancer-type cells in every single person's body. Right now. In everyone. Our body will send out cells to fight this cancer and a battle rages on inside us.

This is happening in every human body in the world. Cancer. It's in every single one of us. Most of us didn't even know it. At least we certainly didn't think of it. We're all dying of cancer. Our bodies are breaking down and some of us will succumb to this dreaded disease. The rest of us will fight it our whole lives. Eventually the body breaks down and we all die.

Today I read the beginning of Judges. What a discouraging beginning. This frustrating Israelite nation were supposed to drive out the Canaanite people in the land and take the land for themselves. Over and over they were warned to completely destroy the Canaanite people. Don't let any of them live. Because if you do, they will become a "thorns in your sides" and "a snare to you". Well, guess what? The Israelites didn't get rid of all the sinful influence. They let some live. And what happened? It was horrible. Like a little mold on the bread, it ruined so much and made so many people "sick".

I read it in God's Word. Cancer is just like sin. We all have a propensity to sin. Every day. All the time. I fall short of the perfect and ideal way that I am to live. Do I live up to the holiness of God. No way. I have a selfish thought every day. It pollutes my mind. It clogs up my purity. And if I don't deal with those accumulation of those thoughts. They begin to form a "growth". An unhealthy way of living.

So each day I have to begin with a cleansing. Each night I have to complete my day with cleansing. Total and complete cleansing. I need to get rid of the bad "cells" and wipe them out. And confession is how I do it. Every day.

Dear God,
I've not lived today perfectly. I've not kept my mind on You and on what is holy. I've allowed pride to slip in. I've allowed selfishness to slip in. If I try to clean myself up, I'll never get myself cleaned up. I need Your cleansing. Total and complete. Please forgive me with the power of Jesus Christ and His forgiveness and give me His righteousness.

Then the amazing power of God comes though to clean. It misses nothing. It wipes out bad "cells" completely. We are made so completely clean and whole that we are (for the moment) absolutely perfect! ABSOLUTELY! Imagine that. Nothing impure. Nothing "cancerous". Nothing against us. We're perfect! O what a feeling! There is nothing in the world like complete healing and perfect holiness that comes through confession of sin and the cleansing that comes through Jesus Christ!

Rejoice Dwayne. Your spiritual healing is complete! You are made perfect in the sight of God. Your "cancerous" and self-destructive "growths" are gone. You are perfectly set to function again in the perfect and wonderful design you were made for. You are back to "right". You are set for the day. Breathe deeply. Smile and grin. Start fresh.

P.S. - My family and I are going to a family camp this week. A huge blessing! I don't know if I will be able to post my blog daily - not sure about internet access there. But I will continue to write it and post it whenever I get the chance.

2005-07-15T03:36:00.000-07:00

False Humility

I miss Rocky. He was my first dog. Every kid misses his first dog. He remembers the good times that they had together. Running and talking and petting and walking together. So do I. Except I was the 35 year old kid with his first dog. We would go for long walks together and I would talk to him about all kinds of things in my life. Just like a kid. Ha.

Then another dog came into our family. We had to name it. She was a rescue and she didn't have anything. No collar. No identity. Nothing. We said she could stay just until the owners were found. Just as long as she got along. Just as long as she wasn't any bother. Just as long... And wouldn't you know it, over the course of several months, we fell in love with her. And adopted her.

2 dogs? We never planned that. Twice as much cleanup. Twice as much food. But they played together and they interacted with each other to keep each other company. And that was good. (They weren't indoor dogs.) One of the games I miss about Rocky is "Stalking". He was a great stalker. And I could watch him do it so often and so well. He'd make himself as insignificant as possible. Crouch down in the grass (or the snow.) Paws would go down. Body would flatten itself against the ground. And even his head would go right down. He'd practically disappear. But not his eyes. The eyes were as alive and as bright as you've ever seen. They would follow the "prey". (Usually the other dog.) And as they followed the prey, Rocky's body would tense up. Like a spring it would tighten and tense up ready for an explosion. I could watch it from a vantage point of being behind the dog as the back legs would slightly move for grip in the soil.

Suddenly, "BOOM", the spring would release and in an explosion of momentum, the predator would spring and begin a chase that seemed to start from almost immediate high speed. Incredible to watch!

Anyway, I've been thinking about false humility and true humility. And was reminded of my first dog Rocky. None of my dogs can do it like Rocky could. False humility is like a crouching "predator". It pretends to be nothing of significance. Makes itself small and unseen. Tries to look like nothing, but it's really all worked up and focussed on achieving something for itself.

False humility is what I struggle with all the time. True humility is what I need to learn.

Am I willing to take my eyes off my own needs and desires? See the small ways I can serve those around me? See the small things that need doing? See the "small" people around me? Instead of being a servant, being a slave to God?

When you go on medical leave and are diagnosed with cancer people tell you to concentrate on yourself and get better. It's good advice. But too much of that can leave you thinking about yourself and your symptoms and your health. My goal is to give my life away!

2005-07-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

Holding Hands

I went to the Cancer Center today. For myself. I've been to the Cancer Center before for someone else. It was completely different. I was a helper. A friend. And I rather enjoyed being able to walk with someone else. Talking with the receptionist and waiting in the waiting rooms. Helping with whatever I could help. But today was different. I was there for me. I was the "cancer patient". And someone walked with me. Held my hand and smiled. My wife :-)

I've been thinking about how we all have chances to be "helpers". Each one of us takes our life expereinces and applies them to how we can walk along with others we relate to. Those of us who have been through the rigors of grade 6 can put an arm across a grade 6er and talk about teasing and bullying. If you've never experienced it, how can you relate? But you can. And you do. And when you do, you feel good about being able to comfort or care for or walk with a friend.

"Praise be to the... Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Waddle on Dwayne. And put a hand around those you can.

2005-07-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

Why I Believe I'm Being Healed Even When I Don't Feel Like It

Today is a treatise. Maybe it's an arguement. It's been rolling around in my head for a while now and needs to come out.

#1. If you want to see God - look at Jesus. I mean, that's God. Jesus said that He and the Father were one. The same. Cut from the same cloth. Same Spirit. What would God do? Exactly what Jesus did.

So when Jesus came to earth - and walked among us - He did exactly what God would do.

#2. And when it came to disease and illness and sickness... What did Jesus do? Rebuked it. Healed it. Every time.... Was there ever a time when He didn't? When Jesus said, "No?" Never! He always healed. Sometimes he asked for a sign of faith or a request. Sometimes he let the person articulate their desire for healing. Sometimes he dealt with the sins in a person's life first. But he never let a disease go unhealed. He ALWAYS healed the disease. EVERY time.

Don't you think that's significant? Must have been many many times he was asked to heal. Maybe hundreds. Maybe thousands. And never a recorded case of refusal. That is significant!

So when I present my case before Jesus asking for my healing. What do you think He'll say?

I just can't imagine the same God saying, "No." I just can't. I see Him saying, "Yes, Dwayne, I have a purpose for this disease. I have a plan for it in your life and for the lives of those around you. But I do plan to bring you out of it."

#3. On the other hand, there are the testimony of the martyrs. These are the people that God has chosen to allow to die for His good purpose. They are chosen for this special plan to bring great honor and glory to God by their death. It is a priviledge only for a few. Hebrews 11 speaks of them as people of great faith. Many of them chose this death over life. Actually chose it.

So does God allow people to die for Him and His cause? Yes.

#4. Along the same vein, there are such things as natural consequences. Sometimes people just die. They die of car accidents. Drunk drivers. Heart attack. And Cancer. It's just a part of the crazy world we live in. Unfortunately, we've messed up a lot of our world. We've gotten it into a unhealthy state. Environmental damage. Unhealthy eating. Cancinogens in our food supply. Stuff like that. God allows the results of our actions. He doesn't always interfere with the natural outplaying of our free will. And that means that some folks die of cancer. Will that be me?

So what is to become of me? I play these arguements around in my head every day. My fears assault me. Can I guarantee my healing? No. Do I know the mind of God on this? No. But I do have the faith to believe that God can and would heal me.

And if I have that faith to ask for it....
And if I have the faith to believe that He would do it....
Then I must have the faith to live like it!
Even when some of the symptoms persist!

However, my ultimate hope and trust is in the character of God.
And my ultimate desire is to honor Him in my life (however long that is)
And my ultimate reward will be the trust that I afford Him in doing His best in my body....
And I will trust Him! And I will make this day count for eternity! And I will put my fears into His hands. And I will say, "My life is in your hands!" Do as you see best!

I went to our care group last night and was I ever blessed! I think everyone should have a small group that learns to eat, play, laugh, cry and pray together! Why don't they? We decided to read a book entitled, Where is God when It Hurts? I'm really looking forward to that. A small community of friends. We band of brothers (and sisters)! I'm sure glad that the life of being a follower of Jesus Christ is a life of community!

2005-07-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

Where's my Energy?

The story goes like this. There's this great land. It's got good fields and good crops. It's got already prepared wells and sisterns. It's got fruit trees and vineyards that are beautiful. A land "flowing with milk and honey". And God has given it to the people. Free and clear. "I will hand it over to you." "I have given them into your hand." "None of them will be able to withstand you."

It all sounds too good to be true! Just walk up and take it? Nope. You gotta fight for it.

I knew there was a catch! Nothing's that easy. Everything worthwhile has to be struggled for.

So here's the story that keeps rolling around in my head all day...

After a full day, the Israelites get a message from Joshua. We have to pack up the army and march. At the beginning of the day? No. At the end of the day. "Why pack up the army and begin a march at the end of the day?" Good question. Not the best strategic move.

"The Gibeonites are being attacked."

"Who cares about the Gibeonites. Why are we their protectors?"

"We made a covenant with them to protect them."

So the armies of Israel marched all through the night to race over to Gibeon to protect a Canaanite city they had foolishly made a covenant with. And when they arrived they found that the 5 kings of the Amorites had all joined forces together. Now they're not just facing an army. They're facing the combined forces of 5 armies! The odds are stacked very strongly! Not in Israel's favor.

Here is where God steps in with the promise. But a promise from God sounds different when you've marched all night. It's good and all. It's great to have. It's important. But, you still have 5 armies and dead beat limbs. And an aching back. And sleepy eyes....

So now the real battle begins. And God is true to his word. Faithful. The armies of the Amorites are thrown into confusion and begin to flee. The Israelites attack and begin to chase them. That's right - chase them. The running begins. All the way back to their cities. A marathon of chasing a fleeing army. But time is running out. And Joshua sees a chance to wipe out this army and the city. So he prays to God.

And what does he pray for? For the sun to stop and the day to be extended. What? If you're an exhausted Israelite army private who's marched all night. Who's fought all day. Who's ran and ran and ran after a fleeing army. Do you want the day extended? NO WAY! But guess what... The one time in all of history that a day was extended... is today. The tiredest day of your life and the day is longer. Unbelievable!

I don't know where my energy went today. Gone! Poof! Zap! But today I read that story and man did I feel for the Israelite army. I know that God made a great promise. I know that He did a great miracle. But I also know that those Israelites army men ran their butts off and fought their hearts out too. I have a new-found respect for that army. For the followers of God.

True followers of God are not lazy people. They are not sit-on-your-butt kind of people. They are go-getters. They are fighters. They are the ones who really do a lot of stuff. Yeah, God helps them. Yeah, they are enabled by Him. But they also work.

God give me the gumption, the energy, the initiative, the get-up-and-go. To serve You! Even when I feel like lying on my duff. I don't want to waste my day!

2005-07-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Confession is Good for the Soil

My great-grandfather was a pioneer. My grandfather was a farmer. My father grew up working the land. I did none of that. I think I missed out. I remember the stories my dad tells. Raw land. Full of trees and sloughs and rocks. Had to become fields. So how do you do it? You cut each tree down. You pull up each stump. Gather all the brush and make a big pile to burn. You pick each rock. It takes hours and hours of back breaking labor. You break up the ground one bit at a time. It's incredibly hard work. You only get a piece at a time.

"Confession does for the soul what working the land does for the soil. Before the farmer he works the land removing the rocks and pulling up the stumps. Why? Seed grows better in prepared soil." (Max Lucado)

I have a confession to make. Yesterday I wanted to invest my day on one really important person in my life. My father-in-law. He's a man of great faith. I have so much respect for him and for his walk with God. So we spent a good bit of the day together. At lunch what looked like a homeless guy came by where we were sitting and asked so sit with us. Maybe he was eager for the same thing I was - great conversation. Maybe he was hungry for my leftovers. Maybe he just wanted to bug us. I didn't wait to find out. I brushed him of with a comment. Just like that.

Later on I second guessed myself. That guy could have been anyone. Could have been Jesus. Could have been someone in need. Could have been someone I could have ministered to - even if just for a moment. We could have. I could have taken the lessons my father-in-law was passing on to me and used them. Here we were talking about ministry and God and how He works... But no. I just brushed him off. O God, please forgive me. I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself. That's not an example of You. Give me your eyes to see the world around me as You see it. Give me eyes to see people as you see them - with great compassion and love. Break up my hardened ground and create a field to plant your seeds of fruitfulness in.

I still have so much unbroken ground. Where will God's seed of fruitfulness go if the ground is still hard and unyeilding? It has to be broken up. My soil needs to be much more prepared to recieve it. I can see there's still a lot of work to do.

2005-07-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

When God Speaks

Sometimes when God speaks, He's really subtle. He doesn't yell. He doesn't shout. He'll quietly speak to a quieted mind. But first you have to listen. Really listen.

It's the early morning and no one is up yet. I've been awakened early. The house is quiet. The traffic is quiet. Even the dogs are quiet. But the sun is up and the day has started warming up already. It promises to be a beauty. Where will my mind go first? What will be the first thoughts to start my mind up and running on?

I open my Bible. It's the best place to begin the day. Find the place that I left off yesterday. Here it is. Then I close my eyes. My head rests in my hands. And I stop. Completely. Just stop everything. Deep breaths. And I listen. Quietness. Stillness. With my eyes closed there's darkness.

Now I reach out. Not literally. Reach out with my ears. "God?" "Are you there? Will you speak to me? I need to hear You. I'm listening." And I pause.

Now I read. Not like I used to read. I used to read the Bible in a completely different way. I used to read for information. Trying to get the principles out of the word. Trying to get the applications out of the word. What does the text say? What does the text mean? What is the author saying to his audience? That's all right and good. It demonstrates that I've learned good hermeneutics and all. But it doesn't meet my deepest hunger.

I have a hunger for God. For His voice. For Him to speak to me. I need Him more than I need to understand the principles of that passage. So in the morning, I'm not studying, I'm listening!

And I heard it! Loud and clear. Wow! Did I ever!

If you've ever read the beginning of Joshua, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. "Be strong and courageous!" Like I didn't get it the first time. He went over and over with it. And followed with some amazing and powerful examples. It was like I didn't just see it on the page. It was like it jumped off the page. Like it rang through my mind. Like it sprang up over and over to bite me on the nose. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!"

I'm about to enter into a battle here. A real war! With renal carcenoma. The pathology reports are completed and the diagnosis is finally and fully confirmed by the medical field. They came in yesterday. We even got the call from the Cancer Center. I'm in to see an oncologist on July 28th. 3 weeks to wait. I'm about to face the battle lines. They're talking about chemo right away. It's a word that has scared me before. It's something I've not wanted to face. Will I be lining up with that? I don't know. But here's what I do know.

So how do I face this? "Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Sometimes God is subtle. Sometimes He shouts. Thanks for shouting it out today for me God!

2005-07-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Consequences of Sin

Been reading the last part of Deuteronomy and it's rolling around in my head. I can't seem to get it out. The end of Moses. His death. 120 years old this guy. Been leading the Israelites since they were a rag-tag group of nomadic slaves trapped in Egypt. Spent his whole life on them. Invested everything. They were the ones he argued with God for. They were the ones he listened to the grumbling. They were the ones who took up all his time helping gain justice and listening to their petty arguements. They were the ones he spent hours and hours intercedeing for. What a pastor!

Now the point of all this was to get them from Egypt and a life of slavery to Canaan - the "promised land". Here they would clear the place out and be blessed by God forever. That's the plan.

But the end of the story is such a sad one. Moses isn't allowed to enter the promised land nor to lead the people in. What?! All this way and you don't get to enter it? That's crazy! How could God do that to a leader. Bring him and the people all that way. Then not let them enter? It would break a man's heart. Especially Pastor Moses who's given his whole life for this.

So why can't he enter? One lousy mistake.

Made it back in Meribah Kadesh. The people were grumbling about water (what's new?). And God tells Moses to speak to the rock and water would gush out and the people would be saved (again). So what does an overtired grumpy Pastor Moses do? He walks over to the rock and beats it with his staff instead. He didn't deliver the sermon that Sunday. He just delivered the water. And that's it. Big deal? Not to me. But it was to God. God was expecting Moses to bring glory to him through the message that day and Moses didn't.

So because of that, Moses isn't allowed to enter the land, just see it from a distance.

And with that rolling around in my head, as a pastor. I'm thinking. Thinking about how often have I really delivered the goods? Really pointed people to God. Really took the opportunities in front of me to have people see God. Or did I allow my grumpiness or self-centeredness to not point fully to God.

O that I may be a reflection of Him in every circumstance! O that people would see Christ in me! O that the new Jesus-filled Dwayne would shine through! This is my passionate prayer today!

I confess that all too often my lack of sleep and grumpiness gets the best of me. I can get pretty selfish sometimes. Please forgive me Lord. Let me complete the mission you've given me. Please don't cut me short of that. I desperately want to be the leader who finishes well. Who completes the mission. Who leads the people to the place where you want them. But I will pass on the baton graciously if you ask me to. Though it rips the heart out of my chest. I do want the people to get to the place of blessing.

I'm crying now. Can't stop the tears. Begging God for my church family. We're not there yet. But He's bringing us and I can see it. I just want this awesome community of people get there. I've seen them come so far. I've loved them pastorally with all my heart. I long for them. Ache for them. Pray for them. Intercede constantly for them. I've given everything I know how to for them.

But I don't know if I can finish the journey with them. Medical leave. It's killing me inside and yet...
I know that great leaders are taking the reigns. How can I bless them? How can I tell them, "Be strong and of great courage!"

Deuteronomy 31:8
"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

O, God, I long for your people to find that place of blessing and to honor You. Including myself.

2005-07-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Younger boys and Older Men

There's a story in the Mark that I love to preach on. It has captivated my imagination completely. And yesterday I lived it out in a way.

The story is of four buddies (I always imagine 4) who grab their disabled friend one day. They have a plan. They've never tried the plan out or done it before. But they're willing to give it a go today. In fact, they've set some time aside and gathered together and went to their disabled friend's place to pick him up. "We're going to get you to Jesus". That's the plan. "We've heard good things about Jesus and we think that if we can just get you to Him, He'll fix you up."

Maybe the disabled guy liked it, maybe he didn't. Doesn't say. Just says they picked him up and away they went.

But the traffic was so bad and the crowd so big that they couldn't get through. So these guys go up on the roof and pull the roof apart getting their friend to Jesus. Who, of course, heals him.

Yesterday, I had some friends who came to pick me up to get me to Jesus. They were on a mission. Purposeful. Intentional. Jesus was in North Battleford at a revival-camp type meeting and there were people there with the power of God to pray for healing. Jesus was there. So whether I wanted to or not or was ready or not - they were going to get me there. (I was)

At the very beginning of the meeting they had some prayer requests from people for healing and they prayed fervently for them. I nearly bolted from my seat to run up and ask for prayer. I didn't though. I sat through the service wondering if I should have. Maybe a little desperation is called for at times. A sign of faith. But at the end of the service they called for people to come forward for prayer. I was the first one up.

A great thing happened. A number of older men surrounded me. I noticed that. Because at our church we don't have men of this age. 70's and up. Elders in a age sense. Men who've walked with God for a long long time. These men surrounded me and prayed. Fervently. Passionately. Out loud. With their microphones on. Leading the congregation in prayer. Many hundred people. For me. Then they implored the congregation to pray on my behalf. Explained who I was and why I needed prayer. Wow! Blew me away! I felt my pain subside. I felt my energy renew. I felt the power of faith to believe God for great things!

After their prayers I stood up (I had been kneeling). I thanked God! I praised God! I worshipped God! And went back to my seat. After the service, we visited with a number of people and headed for home all praising God for our time there and the blessing that it was to us. What amazing friends!

Was I instantly healed? Am I free from cancer? Right now? I'd like to say "Yes!" But I still have some of the symptoms. So I can't really say that it was a completed healing. Maybe the first part. Maybe a beginning. Maybe a blessing to my faith and the faith of my friends.

But one of the stories that we talked about was from a younger boy. He was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac - the sacrifice. Remember that one. Abraham is asked by God to sacrifice his one and only son. His highest treasure. Absolutely crazy! But he does. Goes all the way to making the alter, binding the son, raising the knife, ready to plunge it deep. Before God stops him and provides the sacrifice in his son's place.

This younger boy realizes a profound truth in the story and asks the question. "Why did Abraham have to go all the way?" Great question. I've been thinking about that question. Maybe God has more for me to go through first. Maybe I have to be willing to go further before my healing is completed? If you have more for me God, I'm willing. I'll go all the way ready at any moment for you to provide a way out. But I'm willing to walk this painful road with You.

2005-07-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

Seeing Beyond Myself

Big dogs are not for city dwellers. I've heard that a lot of times. I still hear it. And I've always believed it myself. Big dogs need exercise. Not just a walk around the block. They need to run. Really run. Like get out an run till your tired and thirsty and your tongue's hanging out.

I have 2 big dogs. German Shepherds. And do they ever like to run. Every day we would go for 4-8 miles of running. Summer or winter. Good weather and often in bad weather. They were often my motivation to keep running through the last two winters. They were my constant companions to keep me going when the weather got tough. They needed the run. They were always ready for it. Early morning or late afternoon. Even a late night run was great for them. It's easier to get out the door when you have a faithful friend who's counting on you every day.

Each day I fed them breakfast. Petted them and talked to them about the day and the weather. Looked into their faces and saw them. These are dogs that adore me. Every day they look to me like I'm God. They wag their tails and their whole bodies wag in anticipation of my smile. They come running up and walk around me looking for ways to please me. If I ask them to sit. They plop down and stare at me - just hoping that I'll give them another command. Anything to please me. Anything at all. If I go through a string of commands (just to keep them in practice), they enjoy each one - like showing off their quick obedience. Because they know it pleases me.

Then I put on the leashes and head out for a run. They gently extend to the end of their leashes. They know the exact distance from me. One on each side. But they don't pull. Just to the end of the leash and match speed with me perfectly. If I adjust the speed, they adjust theirs. And we head down the Meewasin Trails. Happy as clams. Running together down the trails.

If no one's around, I talk. Talking to yourself is pretty dangerous. I know. People stare at you. I've seen them when I didn't think anyone was around and then I realise that someone is. I get embarrassed then and I try to think back to what I just said and might have been overheard. (Sigh) But I'm never really talking to myself. I'm often praying. To the Father. My dogs don't know. They think I'm chatting with them. And they listen for any words that might pertain to them. I can tell because their eyes often come back to me to watch me. Their ears are pricked up to hear anything that might be a command. They're pretty attentive all run.

Truth be known, I always wanted to be a winter runner, but never had the motivation until we had the dogs. They were the difference in my running. They have kept me faithful to daily exercise probably much better than any internal motivation. I appreciate them for that.

In fact, one day when we were running and a dog lagged a little I had a long conversation with her about her purpose in life and how important she was to me to keep me running. Dogs don't understand much of English - just their commands. But I still think they do. Or at least I sometimes act like they do, because my conversations with them go well beyond what they get.

I can't run much now. My doctor said "No more". What am I to do? It's been part of how I identified myself and understood myself. Among other things, I'm a "runner". I ran last week against medical advise. It was a sad thing to watch. I ran like an old man with a sack of potatoes on his back. Nothing like I used to run. It's amazing how fast a guy can lose his running shape. Funny thing was, I was grinning the whole time. Like a fool. Just to be back with the dogs and running. Just to feel the wind in my hair and the pounding of my feet and be back on the trails. Just to see the dogs run with me and feel their excitement and enjoyment. It was great!

I want to be like a dog! Looking to my master at every opportunity! Ready when He is - to do whatever He commands. Eager in anticipation. Showing my quick obedience. Listening to His voice trying to understand things that are often over my head. Knowing that He speaks to the Father and that I am just to be ready to listen to anything that pertains to me.

I'm going to take them for a walk today. Maybe a short run too. They need it. I'm going to look to my Master like my dogs do. In my devotions I read this great chapter!

Psalm 131
My heart is not proud, O Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore.

2005-07-04T06:11:00.000-07:00

The Dark Night of the Soul

In the 16th century, St. John of the Cross wrote this incredible book. I was captivated by the concepts that he wrote about as I read some of it. I need to write out some of the things I’ve learned. Get them out of my head.

The dark night is a place that every mature follower of Christ can tell you about. It is a place of great darkness and the absence of anything. An empty void that you walk into. Everyone’s journey leads them to this place in every life at some point. Those who have travelled this road never forget it. Those who are yet to, well, I wouldn’t tell them much about it beforehand.

Before I can live my life for God completely, there must be a death to myself. Dwayne must die. The old Dwayne. The one who lived for himself and thought about himself and was consumed by his own desires. My ego. My “old me”. He had to go. Baptism was my symbol for this. When I was baptised, my old Dwayne died. A new Dwayne began. But I was young when I was baptised and I only understood this so much. I had to relearn that lesson several times since then. The dark night.

I asked God to make me more prayerful. To make me more humble. To make me more mature in my walk with Him. Never did I dream the process He would need to use to answer those prayers in my life! Had I understood them, would I have prayed them? Probably not.

John 12:24-25
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

God brings us to places in our lives where He “deserts” us. A place of suffering and pain. A place of humiliation and shame. A place of sorrow and sadness. There we are alone. And what do I do? I call out. I pray like I’ve never prayed before. I cry out! “God, where are you?” Exactly like the psalmist.

Psalm 102:1-2
Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.

But God doesn’t. He doesn’t answer at all. He watches. He yearns for us. But I feel absolutely nothing of His presence or His watchfulness. I feel completely abandoned. Why would God do that? Why would He abandon me in such a state? Why would I be left feeling absolutely alone?

“Sometimes I get this feeling
My prayers bounce back off the ceiling
And they spin around the room with me
And they never get to You....
My one wish is to break through,
When I try to get to You
My one fear is a deaf ear,
Please tell me it ain’t true”
(“Bouncing off the Ceiling” by A Ragamuffin Band in Prayers of a Ragamuffin)

Well, nothing inspires prayer like adversity, sorrow, and humiliation. In broken times we pray at our best. Humility is learned not from books and theology, but from humiliations. When I’m stripped away of my self-sufficiency. I don’t learn trust in God without God stripping away all my supports. So that I’m totally dependent on Him. That’s trust. You can’t learn it any other way.

Do I worship God, or do I worship my experience of God? Have I come to rely on His comforts or His character? I must move past a worshipping of His comforts to a faith in His promises. Mature faith can’t grow when surrounded by the comforts of God.

The experience of the dark night of the soul is a painful one. God seems absent. Words spoken to Him ring hollow. Oppressive feelings of guilt sharpen the pain of loss. “I have failed.” The worst fears surround me and they attack me. Jesus experienced this. In the garden of Gethsemane. For hours he called out to God. Begged his disciples to pray for him. “If it’s possible, take this cup from me.” Then on the cross. Crying out to God. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

And does my faith grow through this painful experience? Not necessarily. In fact, I think it can have a terrible effect. I could grow cynical and hardened by the absence of God’s presence and comforts. I could allow bitterness to nestle in and turn away from Him. Rebellion. Pride. Apathy.
Or I could turn to distractions. Back to myself and my needs. Seek to meet them or find them met somewhere else. Self-indulgence. Self-centeredness. Selfishness. Eating humble pie till the bakery is bare doesn’t guarantee humility. Ego-slaying remains. Old Dwayne must die. Faith must be refined.

What I needed is to press in further. Pray in a deeper way. Allow the hindrances of false humility to be stripped away. Allow brokenness to happen. And it does. Out the other side of the dark night is a newfound much deeper faith. A worship experience not grounded on the comforts but the character of God to sustain me. A hunger not just for the gifts of the Giver, but the Giver of gifts. A peace in knowing the face of God, not just His hand of blessings. I have walked through the desert and I’m ready for the Promised Land. I have prepared myself for revival. I have matured in my faith. I have deepened my prayer life. I have learned a lesson in trust. Real trust.

I’m waiting for the biopsy results to tell me what kind of renal cancer I have been diagnosed with. Are there treatment options? Waiting is the hardest part. I want to do something. But there’s nothing to do. I’m trusting. I’m believing that God has something for me in this. What is His purpose? Why won’t He tell me? I’m calling out to Him. Crying out. Silence. Stillness. Some mornings my prayers echo back to me.

“Yet will I trust Him.”

2005-07-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

Worship on a Sunday

I've been waiting for today. It's Sunday and the highlight of our day on Sunday is always church! We look forward to it all day. We plan our day around that and our evening around it. It used to be because I was pastoring and my whole week had been built towards this climax. Today, I'm not pastoring and I'm still finding myself drawn toward going to church as the climax of my week. I get to see the people again. I get to greet them and visit with them and find out about their weeks. Catch up and laugh together. I get to greet our guests and visitors. Make them feel welcome. Introduce them to my friends and show them a good time of worship.

And yes, I get to worship!

Since I found out about my cancer diagnosis, I've worshipped differently. More intensely. I often can't stop crying when I think about being in the presence of God. When I think about the words to some of the songs. When I lift my hands up before Him and just surrender. When I rejoice in thankfulness for all the blessings He gives.... I think I'm much closer to God now than ever before in my life. In fact, I know that I am. What a blessing! (I can't believe I said that.)

I can hardly wait!

I was reading in Deuteronomy today again. And God just "struck" me with this passage in there.
About how the Israelite people were not to worship Him like the pagans worship their gods. God was to be worshipped as God! With great joy! Seriously. Joy is commanded!

"There in the presence of the Lord your God, you and your families shall eat (Mmmm) and shall rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the Lord your God has blessed you."

It can get pretty morbid just waiting for the prognosis on my diagnosis. I can let fears attack me and worst case scenarios run through my mind. I think the enemy would love that. I think he tries for that. But today, no way! I'm not! I'm going to eat with my family "before the Lord". I'm going to worship with my family "before the Lord". I'm going to encourage my family in the Lord. I'm going to greet the family of God and our guests in the Lord. And I'm going to worship with great rejoicing "before the Lord"!

Too bad so many of my friends are at "the lake". I'm going to miss them.

2005-07-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

"Spoiled"

I hear the word more often from my wife than anyone else. She is the fridge patrol person in our home. Not me. I'm the "Refrigerator Raider". You see I have this incredible weakness for leftovers.

Leftovers are a gift from God. They exist in the back of your fridge to tantalize and seduce the "Raiders" like me. Early in the morning or late at night the raiders are drawn to the fridge by some unheard calling. They come like they're being pulled by an unseen string. Straight up. The fridge is opened. The light comes on. And the gift from God begins to call.

It used to be baking and goodies that I so desperately craved. I also have a huge weakness for old meatloaf and potatoe salad, but I better not get into that. With my health the way it is now. I'm craving water and fruit just about as much as anything. Weird huh? Today I found an old Ice Cappacino that I couldn't finish the other day. Add a little old banana. Reblend and serve. Mmmm.

Anyways, where was I? I yeah "spoiled". My wife. The fridge policewoman.

Every so often she catches me. (I've never been able to get much past her.) And she inspects my latest "catch" from the back of the fridge. If it doesn't pass her approval she calls out "spoiled" and I can't have it. Or maybe I just have to promise not to offer it to anyone else. "This is the last day for that Dwayne". I smile. Yup. Last day for that (grin)! Mmmm. Just wish I had the appetite to eat more.

Today I was reading in my Bible about spoiled people. Been sitting in the back of the fridge with the rich foods and eating too much. When people get too much of the blessings of God without the disciplines of God - they spoil. Turn rotten and ugly and begin to stink. It's really gross. Turns your stomach and ruins your appetite for people altogether.

I know that God wants to bless people. But if He just blesses and never stops it's not really that good for people. It's better that they go hungry and learn self-discipline than that they get all their ways all the time.

When God wanted to bring His beloved Israelites into a land "flowing with milk and honey" (leftovers), he had to first discipline the people with hunger and manna diets to prepare them for such a great blessing. It was necessary for them to learn self-discipline first. Otherwise they would have gorged themselves on the blessings and forgotten about God and serving Him and honoring Him and glorifying Him. They would have been consumed by their own appetites and forgotten the host to this great feast.

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with His manna.... to teach you that a man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the word of God."

I pondered that this morning as I read it this morning, just before I began my rummaging through the fridge. I'm convinced that God has a great blessing for me. A really big one. I'm asking and praying for it. But maybe there's some refining to do yet. Some self-discipline and humbling that needs to be done first. Preparation for the blessing so that I'm not spoiled. Okay. Teach me Lord. Humble me. Prepare me. Let me hunger for it. Then I will praise You! Then I will not forget!

What else are you supposed to do when you're waiting? I'm waiting for test results. Man, is that hard! I want to do something. But we're here waiting. A time of humbling and testing and self-discipline. Must be for something really good way deep in the back of the fridge. :-)

2005-07-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

The Health and Prosperity Teaching

There are people who believe and teach that God wants everyone to be healthy and wealthy all the time. Universally. I mean - they believe it for everyone of God's followers.

I'm one of them.

If that sounds crazy and completely contrary to everything I've ever said and taught before, that's because it is. But to my defense I must clarify. I didn't say that God always does it. I just said that He wants it.

Wants it in the sense that He desperately loves each one of His children. Wants it in the sense that He wants what every doting father wants when He looks deep into their eyes. Wants it in the sense that this loving Creator has beautifully shaped each of His creations. Took His time thinking about their attributes, their talents, their gifts, their uniquenesses. And smiled and grinned as He formed them together. Thinking the whole time what a great combination this was going to make. Calling over the rest of the Trinity to smile and grin with Him as He put the finishing touches together so that they could all join in the celebration of new life as each one of His creations was shaped and formed. Can you see them all grinning and slapping each other on the back and laughing and saying how great that little touch adds just the right thing? I can.

How could God not want each of His creations to be fully all that they could be?! Healthy and wealthy. Full of vigor and displaying all the beautiful range of talents and gifts and beauty that He had designed for them.

He certainly did for the Israelites. I keep reading about them in Deuteronomy and seeing a God who's fallen head over heels for this crazy group of people. He keeps trying to get them to follow after Him and His ways so that He can bless them. Bless their sandals off! Keeps trying to bless them and their give them long lives. Literally.

"Keep His decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the Lord your God gives you for all time."

"Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you...."

"Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear Me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!"

"Walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days...."

And on and on it goes....

I can't guarantee my healing to be healthy forever. Eventually the plan is for my body to die. It's really for the best. This body was only designed to last for a while and then I've been promised a much nicer model. Much improved and longer lasting. Wait till you see it. You'll really like it.

In the meantime, I'm praying for healing. Miraculous healing. Cancer-be-gone kind of healing. I believe that God wants me to be healthy and happy too. But I also know that He has higher plans and bigger plans than my mind or imagination can fathom. And I trust that no matter what those plans are (and they could include literally anything) I can trust Him with them. To do the very best. The thing that honors His name and glorifies Him the greatest.

And that's what I want my whole life to be about! God and God's glory!

(But I keep thinking about how He wants to bless those Israelites with long prosperous lives...)

2005-06-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

The Stool is Kicked Out

Yesterday I got my biopsy results. My wife and I had prayed and prayed. The closer we got to the appointment, the more urgently we prayed. We prayed in the car. We prayed all the way into the building. Out loud. Must have seemed a little weird to the people we were walking through. Prayed in the elevator. Prayed in the waiting room. Prayed desperately in the appointment room. "God don't let them find it to be malignent cancer."

And it was.

It felt like our last medical hope was kicked out from under us just like that. The tumor on my kidney is 6 inches across. No wonder I'm almost always feeling bloated and can't eat much.

Despair really overwhelmed us. Our worst fears gripped us and we wept and wept. Just sat and cried. How can it be that every time we look for an answer the situation turns incredibly worse? How can it be that every time we look to God to bail us out here, He turns the tide against us? How can it be that our last medical hope - physical hope is now gone? The worst case scenerio. Renal (kidney) cancer. A really big one. And spreading to the liver and lungs. Now confirmed.

How do you tell your children? When their young tender hearts have been praying that God would take away the cancer? When they have prayed with you many times each day with all the faith they could muster? We had to look them in they eyes and tell them of the results. No one should ever have to do that! It's the hardest thing in the world! And it hurt so bad to have to do it.

With my family in absolute despair around me, my strength began to fail. Up till now, I had been fighting for peace. Fighting for joy. Fighting for strength. Fighting for hope. And I could feel the battle turning. How can a man be strong for his family as they desapair around him? What does he say to console them? When the stool gets kicked out from under him?

It all began to slip away and I began to think of Job. You know the guy from the Bible who had everything taken away by God. Oldest story in the book. God allows then enemy to take away all that Job has to test him. And Job mourns and calls out to God in anguish.

The self-pity began creep in and my strength of faith began to show signs of cracking. My family could see it and it did nothing to help them.

But then the comparison didn't fit. Remember Job. There was at least one very different thing about my situation from Job's. And the difference was a HUGE one!

People.

Job was surrounded by accusing friends who did nothing to support him. They tore him down. Even his wife encouraged him to curse God and die. Job's friends worked systematically through his life to erode his faith in God and his hope.

But as the evening came, some friends and family came. And some called. And some prayed. And some listened to us cry out shamefully. But they didn't judge. And they didn't despair. Some brought flowers. Some brought snacks. Some brought words of encouragement. Some brought appetite (thanks bro). All of them brought us such encouragement!

God uses His people so powerfully! It's amazing! They really are His hands and feet and voice! They really are an extension of Himself! Literally.

My wife and I pondered yesterday the story of Elijah and the the showdown with the prophets of Baal on Mt. Carmel. Where Elijah offers to the people a chance to find out which god is really God - Baal or God. After giving them plenty of time to see if they could get Baal to light a fire under his sacrifice, Elijah orders that the sacrifice to God be doused with water. Several times. And that a big trench be dug around it to hold lots of water. Let there be no doubt that this was going to take a extremely HUGE miracle. And God sends fire to consume the entire sacrifice. WHOOOMP!

Why did Elijah (and God) want a bigger demonstration? Because it brought greater glory to God! It was that much more unbelievablely great! It was that much more awe-inspiring! It will be told with wider eyes and louder voices. It will be told for that much longer and be told that much more. To God be the glory!

Maybe that's what He's doing in me. Maybe He wants to push the envelope a little more. Maybe trust in God isn't really trust in God until that's all you're holding on to.

I don't know what God's purposes are in this. But the stool has been kicked out. My friends have supported my faith at just the time I needed them. I'm still believing that God has a purpose. And my family has survived despair.

As small sign of encouragement, I had a half-decent night's sleep - first one in a long time. Thank you God! Today I will look to God for strength and find it. Each of my family will too. I'm humbled and the tears flow freely, but not in despair.

2005-06-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Fighting in a Battle

There's these stories in the Old Testament that I've been reading. Stories of how the a rag-tag group of desert-dwellers became a nation. God ranges up this group of slaves from Egypt who have been calling out to Him.

And let me tell you, they are a miserable lot. Complainers. Whiners. Grumblers. "Oh, we'll never make it out here!" "Oh, we'll die out here without water." "Oh, we'll never taste good food again." "Oh, we have no way to get into a land of giants." Time and time again they do nothing but whine.

It gets so Moses is just plain sick of leading them. He quits the job several times. But God keeps him going. It gets so God is just plain sick of leading them. He quits the job several times. But Moses keeps Him going. Moses and God - and a bunch of whiners. Taking them to the "Promised Land". So when they get there, and see it's going to be a battle, they do what?

Give up. Quit. Pack it in. Lose courage (as if they ever had any) and lose heart.

But God loves them desperately. He has chosen them and His kindness to them is so great. He falls head over heels in love with this group of Israelites. He can't stop thinking about them. He can't stop wanting to bless them. He keeps devising plans to give them great blessings. He keeps speaking words of encouragement to them. He keeps setting up festivals and celebrations so that they can enjoy time with Him. He sets apart "holy days" to break up their busyness to meet with Him and celebrate. He's just plain nuts about them! Go figure.

His ultimate plan is for this miserable group to be so blessed by Him that they love Him back and all the people of the earth see what a great God He is through them. But it never seems to work out very well.

Part of the plan is to bring them to the "Promised Land". A great place where they can settle down and be a great nation of people. God is sick of the wickness of the Canaanites and ready to wipe them out. He's wants the Israelites to be the strong victorious nation they can be in doing this with Him!

So God uses a phrase that keeps popping up. "Given them into your hands." I keep thinking about that phrase. "Given them into your hands." I think it means that the ending is already predetermined. You win! Okay, that's guaranteed. Done.

There's only one catch. You still have to fight it. You still have to have the courage to show up. To put your armor on. To put the sword in your hand. To run up to the enemy. To look him in the face and swing that sword with all your might. Fight!

I'm such an Israelite. I believe that God is head over heels in love with me. He's nuts about loving and blessing me. He's nuts about spending time with me and hearing me call out to Him and rely on Him. He's crazy about the way I look to Him for strength and He gets such a charge from blessing me. He keeps thinking of better and better ways to do it. He keeps encouraging me every step. He keeps showing me ways that I can grow in my walk with Him.

He's given me the victory for this journey. He's guaranteed it. Promised it. But there's one thing necessary. I have to show up with some fight in me. Some willingness to not just sit there in a pity party. Not just whine about my circumstance. Fight for it.

For what? Exactly?

Fight for peace. It won't come to me without me reaching for it. My peace comes not from my circumstances. It comes from the character of God. Who He is. How He's proven Himself in my life. If there is a God and if He cares about me. Then I can have peace.

Fight for joy. Same thing. Joy is a choice. Joy doesn't come from my circumstance. It comes as I choose my attitude for the day. Where will I let my mind go? Self-pity or self-control. Fear or fight. I choose joy.

These are gifts offered everyday from the hand of a God who delights in me. He's really wanting me to have them and to enjoy them. He's hoping that I take them. He's asking me to take them. He's never failed to give them out.

I read the end of Numbers today and I sat back in amazement as I read of a battle the Israelites did. A successful one. They completely wiped out the enemy (five Midianite kings and their armies) grabbed all the spoils and never lost a single combatant. That's some serious kicking butt! Why so lopsided? Because God had "given them into your hands". It filled me with fight!

Today I find out the results of my biopsy. I'm so filled with emotion about it. Will there be a cancer diagnosis confirmed medically? I'm praying there won't. I'm asking God that they don't find cancer in biopsy they took from the tumor in my kidney. But I'm trusting God and I'm fighting for peace and joy.

2005-06-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

Strength In Times of Weakness

There's a line in the Lord of the Rings film that I can't completely remember
When the darkness closes in
And all the lights go out...
When there is no light at all...

I had been praying and praying that they wouldn't find the tumor in my kidney. So had my wife. Our prayers were that they would look for it and it would be gone. No explanation except God. We prayed right up until the biopsy.

But they found it. The dissappointment hits you. Right in the deep part of your soul. You close your eyes and the darkness closes in and there's no light at all....

I think that there are times when God places us in the most vulnerable positions. Where you can get scared the worst and hurt the most. Where you are so far from your comfort zone that it area codes away. Where your fears can attack you right in the soft spot.

All night long my dreams scared me. Woke me up in a sweat. My chest aching. My breaths coming with sharp pain. My mind racing with fears and more fears. My dreams so real they fool me into thinking they're still there. I didn't get much sleep and it's the day of my biopsy. Something I've been playing and replaying in my mind for days. Often replaying with fear. Now I'm overtired and exhausted in addition.

As I said:
I do think that there are times when God places us in the most vulnerable positions.
The most exposed places. The weakness of our weakness.... I'm lying there upside down on the table. I don't like being upside down. I like to see what's going on. The less-than-ample hospital gown is opened up. I'm on the table exposed. Waiting. Now they're going to biopsy me. Stick me with the needle. Four times in and four times they come out with a little more. I feel so weak. So absolutely helpless.

But I'm not. That's the incredible thing! I can feel them. Literally FEEL the prayers of the people and the power of God. He is not absent! He has not left. His prescence is there. Almighty. The Rock. The Father...

And I can close my eyes and let all the lights go out. I can embrace the darkness and the pressure of the needles. Let them find the tumor. Let them stab it. Let them call it what they want. I will not be discouraged. I will not be dismayed. I have a God whose strength is displayed in my weakness. His glory is to show me that He is more than sufficient for the day.
His joy is to show that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. His greatness is to show that He can meet any challenge (the bigger the better). And I gloried in Him though the biopsy.
I sang in my heart as they pulled samples. I smiled at my wife in confidence as they wheeled me away. "It's okay."

What kind of a God is this? How much can I trust Him?

It's a different kind of confidence. Not that He will take away the pain. Not that He will take away the difficulty. Not that He will make my life all lovely and comfy. But that He knows my every thought. But that He knows my every fear. And that He walks with me though this. And His strength is immense! More than enough.

I trust Him. And that's enough for today. Thank you for walking with me.

2005-06-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

Humbled by a Ministry to Me

Today was Sunday. A day of ministry for me normally. Usually I've put a tonne of work into a message and a lot of planning and preparation and coordination with others to work out a worship service plan that brings people closer to Christ, that serves to meet specific needs in their lives and applies practically to the lives of the people I love so much - my church family and their friends.

Today was Sunday, A day of ministry to me. I had put no work into the worship service. In fact, I had very little idea of what was really going to happen. No one even informed me. Pretty weird for me. I had prayed before I went that God would be a blessing through it to those who attended. That's it.

How would people respond to me?

I went to our "mother church" in the morning. I was really surprised at how incredibly loving they were to me and my wife. Lots of people we know and love came to show their love and tell me they were praying for me. They had a sermon on healing that was fantastic and they prayed over people for healing. I was prayed for and was really blessed through it.

Then I went to our church....

O, man! It was amazing! I am so humbled! The embraces and hugs and care of the people of my church blew me away! You couldn't ask for a greater show of concern for me and my family! I am so amazed at how this group of friends can be so loving.

My family took our usual close to the front seats and we worshipped the same way. But today for me it was so much more intense. I couldn't stop crying sometimes as we sang our worship. Somehow there was an intensity in those songs and my expression of them that was greater than ever before. How can you sing of the power of God the same way after you've just walked this week of His strength in your weakness? You can't! You just weep to try!

There was a time to publicly pray your prayer out loud and I tried, but all I could get out was a simple "Thanks for your strength in my weakness" and I got all choked up. But I was so blessed to hear everyone else pray their prayers of praise to God. Then there was a sermon that was good. But I tried to take all the notes and couldn't keep up. It felt like there was so much good stuff I couldn't take it all in. But the point was about covenental relationships and I really felt like we got the point! We need to covenant to love each other deeply, spiritually, and without expections.

After the service we put in place our interim leadership for the church. I really wanted to see us bless them and pray for them so I asked if we could. I gathered people around them and listened as our people prayed for them. It was BEAUTIFUL! To hear God's people pray for these leaders and the task ahead of them. To have the community affirm them and covenant to them.

I couldn't have asked for anything more. But then they turned to me and prayed for me. And Wow did they pray for me! For my family. For my healing. For my peace....

I'm going for my biopsy tomorrow. This is where they find out if it's really what they expect it to be - cancer. It will confirm if my body has cancer in the kidney, liver and lungs - spreading through it (metastacising). The medical professionals are expecting it and have prepared for me to get straight to the Cancer Center and on to an oncologist as quickly as possible. I'm really thankful for their great work on my behalf. But, I'm praying that they won't find cancer.

Someone today asked me if I was afraid of my biopsy. I was honest with them. Mostly. I told them I wasn't afraid of the biopsy, just the results. Truth is, I'm might be a little afraid of the biopsy too. Not very much though. God has used so many people to minister to me so much today, that I'm still feeling so cared for.

I have a confidence and peace that God will work out His loving purpose in this. And that is more than enough for me to face a scary biopsy. Thank you to the people of God! You humble and amaze me.

2005-06-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

A Ministry Taken Away

I hate it! I can't stand it! I'm nearly going crazy here!
For 12 years I've been pastoring! That's what I am - a pastor. It's my gifts, my heart, my passion, my identity, my life has been wrapped around serving the church. And I love doing it! I'd do it all my life. It's my calling in life.

Now I'm on a medical leave. "Stop pastoring," they said. (Yes, it can be a verb too.)

You can't just turn that off. A pastor's heart is not like a tap. It keeps running. I keep thinking about the people. People I'm praying for daily. People who need Jesus. People who face problems. Parents who cry out for their children to know Christ. Spouses who cry out for their spouses to know Christ. Youth who need to see beyond themselves. You keep thinking about the church. Outreach opportunities. Passion for God that isn't ignited in the midst of vacation planning. And so many places where a little enthusiasm for Christ would bring a smile to someone's face. The church needs to be rallied. The community needs to be called forth. The battle cry raised! Leaders brought together. The momentum gathered. And where am I? At home applying for medical leave benefits. Aaargh!

And then God meets me this morning. And watches me in my self-pity for a while. (I wonder if He ponders how hard He's going to need to slap me to get my attention.) And He stops me dead in my tracks.

In Numbers 11 there's this story about the Isreality community grumbling in the desert. No meat. They haven't eaten anything but manna and they're sick of it. The people have had enough and they come out of their tents and grumble LOUDLY. All of them. Can you imagine it? As a leader Moses listens to the entire community grumble against him. How incredibly disheartening that must have been for him as a leader. Your entire community hates your leadership. Hates it. They all think you stink as a leader. They don't just question your leadership. They reject it.

Moses hears this and he gives up. Who wouldn't. "O, I give up!" "What am I supposed to do? I can't supply their every need? I can't meet their expectations. I just give up. Take my life now." I'd give up too.

But God doesn't.

God says bring me the leaders. And God gathers the leaders. And when he gathers them. He annoints them with His Spirit. Wow! Not just elects them. Not just appoints them. But annoints them! And with a full measure of the Spirit! In the Old Testament for crying out loud!

And then God makes a promise to feed the entire community meat. What? In the desert? Yes. Meat for a month. Meat till you can't eat meat anymore. Meat till it comes out your nostrils. (I thought that was pretty funny :-)

How can that be? Great verse. I memorized it:
Numbers 11:23
The Lord answered Moses, "Is the Lord's arm too short? You will now see whether or not what I say will come true for you."

God is doing that right now for my church. As I write, God is gathering the leaders. I believe He's not just electing them and appointing them. I believe He's annointing them. With His Spirit. And He's engaging them to lead our church community beautifully, powerfully, correctly.

The very next chapter in Numbers is a huge rebuke to speaking negatively about God-appointed leaders.

Quite a slap, Huh?
Sure caught my attention! Spun my head around a couple of times this morning. Pity party over. I've got some praying to do. For our church leaders. They need my prayers and my support. God bless 'em!

2005-06-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

The Hardest Verse in the Bible

Ugh! Like the chest pain that I wake up to.
I don't want to take that first breath. I know it's going to hurt. It's so common now that I do it without thinking - I wince and suck it in. Ugh! Couple more times now. Ugh! And then it subsides. That wasn't so bad. I get over it pretty quickly, but it always seems to start my day in a bad way.

Someone stopped by the house and dropped off a package for me. I know who it was - they signed their names. But it was really God in them. They don't know that, but I do. I know because when I opened the package it was God who came out of it. He can speak so clearly through others voices and actions sometimes that it stuns me.

And He brought me back to the verses. The hardest ones. The ones that I've never really understood. Or maybe I have and I just want to say that I don't. Certainly I don't get them completely. You know the verses I bet. As soon as you hear them you'll remember. Maybe they plagued you too. Probably.

But that wasn't enough for God today. No. Today He had a plan to really set me up for them.
Reading today in Numbers 11 - the people of Isreal travelling through the desert for the first time complained about their hardships. No kidding. Anyone in their sandals would. And God gets angry with them. He burns the outskirts of the camp in anger. Literally. Till Moses prayed for them - interceded. And God relents.

Wow! That was powerful to me! I'm pondering that for an hour in prayer. Just letting it soak in and having some conversation with God about this story as I go for an early morning walk with Him. And when I come back I see this package in the mail and I open it and out comes God.

Romans 5:3-4 - We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence; perseverence, character; and character, hope. (Just like James 1:3)

What have I been begging God for in my suffering? Hope! I've been begging for a biopsy date to confirm/deny this whole cancer thing. Now I have one on Monday morning. I'm praying for a negative biopsy - no cancer. Man, am I ever praying. Desperately. Crying. Pleading. Shamelessly at times. Like a man with a death sentence hanging over him. Like an Israelite in the dying desert. Although I'm told to prepare myself for a confirmation of cancer. Against the odds I'm looking for something to hold to. Hope! If it's confirmed to be cancer what am I to do? I need some hope to cling to. There are some really dark moments in my early morning thoughts as the first few breaths come to me and the Ugh! hits me hard. All my worst fears come rushing at me. They seem to attack at once and there are times I don't put up much defence. I'm overwhelmed and I just break down. I'm reaching for something in the darkness. Ugh.

And the hardest verse in the Bible comes with God's promise - hope!
Set up by a story I've been pondering for an hour.
What attitude will I choose for today? To rejoice in my sufferings!

There's a card in the package. It's signed by a person, but I recognize the signature of God.
"The need that you face is great,
but the grace that is yours in Christ is even greater.
May your heart and your faith
stay fixed upon Him as you
go through this difficulty.
Be assured that He is holding
your hand and will not let go!"

Then, in the card, the promise of an intercessor.
It wasn't signed by Moses, but it might as well have been.
Someone interceded for me and the fire stopped burning my edges. The Lord relented His anger with my complaining. And I learned a lesson. I'm choosing to rejoice today. In my suffering! And I believe it's going to produce hope!

O Lord, hold my hand! I'll fix my eyes on You!

2005-06-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

The Hyperbaric Chamber of Growth

Last night was one of my worst nights and best nights.
My wife and I sat in bed and talked long into the night. Both of us were exhausted and needed sleep. But both of us has so much to say and to listen to in each other. This crisis in my life has drawn us so closely together we have been amazed. It has also pulled us so powerfully to God that my wife used the hyperbaric chamber analogy. I was so amazed that she used a sports analogy! Until I realized that she never even thought of it as a sports analogy. :-)

The things in our lives that used to be important but aren't have faded away so quickly we're amazed! Here's the radical changes we've noticed already!

Prayer
Wow do we ever pray more! Constantly. We break into prayer during our conversations with each other often. It's like God pulls up a seat at most of our conversations and we're learning to include Him in them. He's right there. Today I read this powerful verse at the end of Numbers 7 where Moses hears the voice of God speaking to him. It sounded so conversational! That's what our prayer life is becoming. I just long to hear so much more from God. This morning I wept and wept asking to "hear" more from Him. So many questions I ask and although I sense His presence so powerfully at times. I feel Him literally "carry" me through some very dark moments. I still don't hear the answers to the questions that race through my mind and the fears that come like darts seeking a way through the defence of my shield of faith.

This sounds really selfish and I guess it is. But we desire people's prayers so deeply now. I can't tell you how much I long to hear people pray for me. Every time we meet with someone I want to pray with them. And there was one time when I went for a walk with some friends this week and we didn't stop and pray during the walk. All night I kicked myself about that! I missed a great chance! It won't happen again.

Material things
You know, we used to go through the flyers looking at stuff and dreaming of home improvements and the fun stuff we could get. Now when the flyers come they have no appeal. Window shopping at the store just has no appeal either. We're looking at all the clutter we have around our house and wishing we had the energy to clean more of it up and get rid of it! We don't need this stuff!

People
We sure are noticing people more. My wife watches a little bit of news and hears a story about a family that has lost a child and she weeps over them and prays for them with intensity that I've never seen from her before. We see the people around us. Really see them in a way that we haven't noticed their lives before.

These are radical changes that are happening so deeply in our lives. Never before have we been so swiftly changed at such a deep level! Bible school was like a green house of growth for us, but this crisis has been a hyperbaric chamber. Still, the pain is so deep and my symptoms are getting worse. The fears are everpresent too. Simultaneously, we love the work of God in our lives, but we would do almost anything to avoid the pain of this crisis.

2005-06-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

Blown Away by Community

I'm constantly amazed at what the church can be. It seems that in times of crisis the church family can pull together in ways that never cease to amaze! I'm certainly amazed!

You'd think that after 12 years of pastoring a guy would get a little cynical. A little hardened. A little weathered by the storms of church life and church people. But I think I've softened. Or been softened. (Sometimes you're softened up by the blows :-)

But what do you say to a woman who brings you a home-made supper and drives off to grab some drive-thru? Someone else pops in with pizzas to freeze. Phone calls come - constantly. "Is there anything we can do?" "Do you need someone to talk to?" "Can we come and pray with you?" "Just wanted you to know that we're thinking and praying for you?" Emails come to say "We're believeing God for a miracle!" It's so much that you sit there absolutely blown away and mumble yourappreciation and wonder and ponder afterwards at the amazing generosity! What kind of people do this?

God's people! His hands and feet! His arms of love! His demonstration of Himself! Real people with real lives and real issues stop to make my family a part of theirs. Community means a kind of family. And I'm only beginning to discover it!

2005-06-22T05:57:00.000-07:00

The Worst Day of My Life So Far

Maybe I'm overstating it. Nope. I'm not.

Monday, June 20th I went for a test to get it out of the way. An ultrasound. Reminded me of happy days with my expectant wife. We were expecting a baby and a healthy happy one at that. Ultrasounds offer those rare expressions of joyful expectation. I can still remember with clarity the whoosh, whoosh of a tiny heartbeat. This one was not that.

I had asked for the results to be given to me directly at the end of the test. They do that at this lab. And I was thankful for it. Better to get it straight out and go on. So the guy walks up to me and says, "I'm sorry." And in next 3 sentences of his my world comes completely apart. "We found a tumor on your left kidney, spots on your liver and nodules in your lungs. It looks like you have cancer in each of these and that it is metastasizing. You should see your doctor." I nodded and smiled and shook my head like I understood. I didn't understand at all.

He sent over the results to my doctor who asked to see me immediately. So I left the lab and stepped into my car. Where do you go? You've just been told you have spreading cancer and your whole world doesn't fit right anymore. I went home.

I grabbed the wheel of my car and made it go home - crying and praying! "God?" "Where are you?" Physically I could see to drive. Spiritually I was blind. The world went dark and empty and void. My prayers echoed in the emptiness.

Last time I told my wife and we went to the doctor for grim news she really fell apart. Loudly. Emotionally! It was horrible. I feared the worst. But I had no other options. I needed her so badly. So I walked into the house tears streaming down my face. No bravery. No stoic front to put on. I'm a broken man in need. I don't think she's ever seen me quite like that. And she knew it all from the look on my face.

When we got to the doctor's office and he faced us with the news - it's like I went into shock. Maybe I just can't process things as fast as others. Maybe I just process them afterwards. "It's cancer of the kidney, liver, and lungs. We have to biopsy to be sure. But we're cancelling the other tests for now. We're pretty sure."

Renal cancer, I'm told, doesn't respond well to forms of treatment. It can hide in your system without much for symptoms for quite a while before spreading. It's one of the "bad" forms of cancer. The doctor was "hoping" for testicular cancer. It's more treatable. Not this one.
What's next? A biopsy to confirm it.
How soon? It could be a couple of weeks.
Can we rush that? We'll try.

Monday was the darkest day of my life. How do you tell your children that you have cancer? There's no books for that. No one teaches you how. We knew we had to. We cried. "How, God, do you tell your children?" We cried some more.

As a family we gathered and I spoke the unspeakable. I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face. I wanted so badly to be brave while I told them. I wanted so badly to show them my faith in God in this. But tears and faith come hand in hand. So they saw them both. My utter weakness and my faith. And somehow God did what only God can do. And while we all cried and our worlds came apart, God held us. I had prayed that He would, but my faith was so weak that I could never see it happening. Is that faith? When you can't even visualize what you're asking for? You have enough faith to ask for it, but you can't really see God doing it? Doesn't sound like faith?

There's a story in Mark 9 that I find myself drawn to so often. A father brings his son to Christ to be healed. The boy has an evil spirit that does nasty things to him and tries to kill him. Horrible. I can hardly get my mind to imagine it. I guess I'd be desperate too. So the father says to Jesus, "If you can do anything take pity on us and help us." Not a real statement of great faith. Just desperation. Pure desperation. Jesus is looking for more. Isn't desperation enough? I guess not.

"If you can?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Jesus is looking for some faith. It seems Jesus is always looking for some sign of faith in those He heals. "Show me some faith." But if you don't feel it.... If you can't really see it.... If you can't visualize it.... Where do you get faith from?

So the man calls out (I imagine in exasperation, frustration, desperation), "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" So often that's my prayer life. I'm crying out for the faith to believe my own prayers. I'm asking for things greater than my imagination. But I'm asking.

And God answered. Somehow the kids were able to understand that their father likely had cancer, they understood all of what that meant, and that we were going to continue to live our lives. But in a new way. Matthew 6 has this powerful stuff at the end of the chapter. It blows me away every time I really ponder it. On Monday it became a rock that I clung to in the crashing surf.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Now we live in a new way. We live in today. Today God has provided for us. This moment has enough oxygen. Breathe.

2005-06-22T04:52:00.000-07:00

The "C-word": How I found out about cancer

It's not like I had been sick for a long time. Just a few symptoms - a feeling of bloating after meals that seemed like I had overeaten. Well, seeing as how much I love to eat, that doesn't seem too much out of place. Some chest pain that woke me up and sometimes kept me awake. Rare for a runner who daily logged 4-8 miles. But other than that, not much. Pretty healthy.

But the lack of sleep brought me to my doctor for some answers. And a chest x-ray result came in on Monday June 13. The doctor called me immediately. "There's some spots on your lungs." "They look like they could be lung cancer, but that doesn't make sense with you and your health. We need to repeat the tests." That's a lot for a guy to hear in one sitting and my mind raced through the possibilities exactly as I told it not to.

Wednesday, June 15 the second set of chest x-rays came in and they confirmed nodules on both my lungs - 6mm to 2 cm. The doctor is deeply disturbed and says he's getting very serious about this now. He's not the only one. My mind races again. I tell it not to again. Same result. But now my wife is scared. And frankly, my greater concern is her. How do you face your wife with the news that "they're" saying you have cancer. "I don't have cancer," I told her. "Look at me. I'm healthy! There has to be another explanation."

However, I have to consider a medical leave. At least that's what the doctor thinks. Well, my wife too. Well, my good friends and smartest advisors whose opinion I asked said the same things too. Hmmm. So with my hat in my hand I sat in front of my church leaders and asked for the thing that I wanted least of all - to stop actively serving as the pastor of the church that I love with all my heart. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life.

But they were gracious and they granted it. I was immediately on a medical leave. "Go home and don't come back." (in love) And it truly was in love. But I wasn't "in love" with the idea.

Being a pastor defines you. I know you're not supposed to be defined by your job. But pastoring is so much more than a job - its a calling, a lifestyle, a being "set apart", a passion (obsession) that is so deeply a part of my fabric... I love these people so deeply - I've prayed over each one. Pastorally, like a shepherd puts his hand on each sheep and lovingly pets each one. Pastorally, like when a smile breaks over your face each time you think of them. The times of laughter we've shared and the times of heartache that I've seen in their lives. Sometimes walking with them through it, sometimes praying for them through it, sometimes wishing I could have done something more as I watched them being stretched through it. Man, I love these people - this community.

You know how a father feels about his kids - he'd step in front of a bus for them! He'd work a second job to provide for them. He'd smile and tell dumb jokes to bring them smiles. He'd get up late at night to watch them sleep and pray over them as tears stream down his face. He'd think of them at work and pause to wonder what they're doing right then. He'd wonder about how they're going to face the challenges ahead and what can a father do to prepare them for those challenges. That's how a pastor thinks. You can't shut it off. You can't turn it down. It wells up inside you.

I'm not a great pastor. Don't get the wrong idea. I've made so many mistakes that there's some who wonder if I still have the ability to lead this flock any farther than here. They're not malicious. They don't have bad feelings against me. I sense love from each one. But there are doubts. Frankly, I've been praying about that as well. The church is going through a major restructuring and rebuilding crisis right now. We're all in prayer about it! And we should be. No one's "blaming". But there's some fingers that should be pointing at me. I've played too fast and loose with no structures in place and now the church is paying for it. And here at the point of crisis, I'm out of the picture. Medical leave. I hate it!

"God, what are you doing?" There has to be a purpose in this, right? There is. I don't understand it, but I know there is. Maybe that's enough for now. Maybe I can trust without explanation for a while. Just for a while.

That week we talked to the kids and told them I was on medical leave about my lungs. I never used the "c-word" with my kids. There's no way I'm going to yet without it being confirmed. I don't think I have it. There's still lots of possibilities.

On Sunday, June 19, I told the church. I managed to get it out without crying or breaking down. Again one of the most surreal moments of my life. Looking into the faces of people who love me and whom I love and telling them I could be looking at some serious medical problems. I never used the "c-word" but they all heard it.

2005-06-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

Creating an opportunity to post my thoughts.
I'm walking through the experience of being diagnosed with renal cancer. That's a big blow! Within the last 48 hours I've had the run pulled out from under my life. At least that's what it's felt like. I'd like to create a post here that talks about my journey and the powerful and profound lessons that God has been speaking to me about through this experience. I'd like to make that available to anyone who wants to hear that journey. Perhaps be blessed by that journey. Or even walk part of that journey with me.