Strength In Times of Weakness
There's a line in the Lord of the Rings film that I can't completely remember
When the darkness closes in
And all the lights go out...
When there is no light at all...
I had been praying and praying that they wouldn't find the tumor in my kidney. So had my wife. Our prayers were that they would look for it and it would be gone. No explanation except God. We prayed right up until the biopsy.
But they found it. The dissappointment hits you. Right in the deep part of your soul. You close your eyes and the darkness closes in and there's no light at all....
I think that there are times when God places us in the most vulnerable positions. Where you can get scared the worst and hurt the most. Where you are so far from your comfort zone that it area codes away. Where your fears can attack you right in the soft spot.
All night long my dreams scared me. Woke me up in a sweat. My chest aching. My breaths coming with sharp pain. My mind racing with fears and more fears. My dreams so real they fool me into thinking they're still there. I didn't get much sleep and it's the day of my biopsy. Something I've been playing and replaying in my mind for days. Often replaying with fear. Now I'm overtired and exhausted in addition.
As I said:
I do think that there are times when God places us in the most vulnerable positions.
The most exposed places. The weakness of our weakness.... I'm lying there upside down on the table. I don't like being upside down. I like to see what's going on. The less-than-ample hospital gown is opened up. I'm on the table exposed. Waiting. Now they're going to biopsy me. Stick me with the needle. Four times in and four times they come out with a little more. I feel so weak. So absolutely helpless.
But I'm not. That's the incredible thing! I can feel them. Literally FEEL the prayers of the people and the power of God. He is not absent! He has not left. His prescence is there. Almighty. The Rock. The Father...
And I can close my eyes and let all the lights go out. I can embrace the darkness and the pressure of the needles. Let them find the tumor. Let them stab it. Let them call it what they want. I will not be discouraged. I will not be dismayed. I have a God whose strength is displayed in my weakness. His glory is to show me that He is more than sufficient for the day.
His joy is to show that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. His greatness is to show that He can meet any challenge (the bigger the better). And I gloried in Him though the biopsy.
I sang in my heart as they pulled samples. I smiled at my wife in confidence as they wheeled me away. "It's okay."
What kind of a God is this? How much can I trust Him?
It's a different kind of confidence. Not that He will take away the pain. Not that He will take away the difficulty. Not that He will make my life all lovely and comfy. But that He knows my every thought. But that He knows my every fear. And that He walks with me though this. And His strength is immense! More than enough.
I trust Him. And that's enough for today. Thank you for walking with me.
Life is an adventure, a journey we travel. And God walks it with us - hand in hand if we let Him. Guiding, shaping, and molding us through the circumstances. I seek to journey more intentionally here.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Strength In Times of Weakness